Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. -Matthew 18:21-22

There are two types of forgiveness: forgiveness of the will and forgiveness of the heart. Forgiveness of the will is the choice to do all in my power, regardless of how I feel, to preserve and enhance the well-being of my offender. The all in my power part is important. Perhaps my anger will not yet allow me even to speak to my offender. Or perhaps I have discerned that it is not God’s will that I be in relationship with this person at this time (for example, a battered wife might discern that it is not God’s will for her to be with her husband anymore). Insofar as it is in my power to choose to forgive, I must forgive. That is what Christ teaches me to do. The choice part of that definition is important, too. Forgiveness of the will is a conscious choice that I make based on what I believe is God’s will for me.

Forgiveness of the heart is a different matter. For the most part, I cannot will to experience one emotion or another. I cannot choose to feel affection for another or not to feel anger, betrayal or hurt. It simply is not in my power to do so. No, I’m going to have to pray for and wait for that gift to come from God. My choice to forgive with my will opens me up to receive the gift of forgiveness of the heart, but the gift itself must come from God.

I remember well my greatest experience of hurt and betrayal. It took me forever to get over it! It was in my daily prayer time that the Lord gradually bestowed the gift of forgiveness in my heart. Adapting the insights from a particular style of psychological therapy called Gestalt, I prayed in my chair with two other chairs in front of me. I sat Jesus in one of those chairs and my offender in the other. With Jesus present, I would say anything that I wanted to my offender. I might yell at him or curse him or tell him all sorts of despicable things. But at the end of my prayer time, I allowed both of my two guests to speak to me as well. At the end of our conversation, regardless of whether my heart felt it or not, I told my offender, “You hurt me, but I forgive you and I love you.” And one beautiful sunny morning, I said it and realized that there was no part of me that didn’t genuinely mean it, not even my heart!

SUGGESTED SCRIPTURE PASSAGES

GENESIS 45:1-15: Joseph forgives his brothers

1 SAMUEL 24: David forgives Saul

EZEKIEL 37:1-14: God revives dry bones

JONAH 4: Jonah’s anger at the Lord’s forgiveness

MATTHEW 5:38-48: Do not retaliate; love your enemies

MATTHEW 7:1-5: Don’t judge others

MATTHEW 18:15-20: If you have a problem with someone

MATTHEW 18:21-35: Forgive seventy-seven times

MARK 11:23-26: Forgive anyone

LUKE 5:17-26: Jesus: “Your sins are forgiven”

LUKE 6:27-36: When someone slaps you on the one cheek

LUKE 15:11-32: The Prodigal Son

LUKE 19:1-10: Come down, Zacchaeus

LUKE 23:33-38: Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do

LUKE 23:39-43: Jesus saves the good thief

JOHN 21:15-17: Jesus forgives Peter

EPHESIANS 4:25-32: The sun must not go down on your wrath

PRAYER POINTERS

First, I work on forgiveness as an act of the will. With God I lay down exactly what I must do and must not do in order to be loving to my offender. I pay particular attention to the ways I may lash back in a passive-aggressive manner. That is, ways that I may deviously, unconsciously and subtly jab back at the offender: a well-placed comment to mutual friends, an avoidance of mutual responsibility, a “harmless joke” about her and so on. I ask God to help me avoid these sinful actions. With each future action that I contemplate, I ask Jesus to help me discern my motives. “Am I doing this out of love or revenge?” I also look back on the previous day, evaluating each of my words and actions in the same way.

I sit in my prayer chair with two other chairs in front of me. I place Jesus in one and my offender in the other. Then, I let the sparks fly, allowing all three of us to have some say. After we’ve all had our say, whether I feel it yet or not, I turn to my offender and say, “You hurt me, but I forgive you, and I love you.”

I reflect on a time when I was forgiven by someone. I experience in my heart what it felt like to have been given this undeserved gift. I thank God for the mercy of that person, and I pray to receive that same grace of forgiveness in my life.

Angry, Confront, Family, Hurt, Judgmental, Marriage

WORDS TO TAKE WITH YOU

We are like beasts when we kill. We are like human beings when we judge. We are like God when we forgive.

-Anonymous

To understand all is to forgive all.

-Anthony DeMello, S.J.