When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, “He has lost his senses.” -Mark 3:21 (NASB)

There are a variety of reasons why my family (which in my case is a religious community) might be driving me nuts. One reason may be that home is the only safe place for me to go nuts. That is, I know that they will accept me even if I do fly off the handle from time to time. In many ways, I’m not allowed to “lose it” at work, in church or among friends. I may fear rejection from the people in those circles. So, I take my pent-up aggravation and anger home to the one place I know I can release it and still be loved and accepted. Meanwhile, my family members are doing the same with me.

Ideally, family members shouldn’t have to have misplaced anger, irritation and frustration dumped on them. I should work toward channeling those negative feelings in more healthy ways. I should ask the Lord to help me reflect on my own attitudes and behaviors at home. Do I always leave “the emotional leftovers” for my family? In other words, do I give my best self, my highest quality time, my most thoughtful words and actions, and my most compassionate dispositions to everyone else in my life and save whatever is left over for my family? How could I be more generous to my family in terms of quality time, emotional support and presence of mind and heart? In the meantime, while I struggle to be more generous at home, I should thank God that I have a family that allows me to dump on them, and I should pray for the strength of character to create a safe place where they might dump on me as well.

Another reason for my frustration with the family might be that I expect more from them than they can actually give me. A teenager, whose father had more or less abandoned him, told me once, “I’ve decided that I need to go out and find my own father-figures.” He then proceeded to name a variety of adults in his life on whom he relies for paternal nurturing, care and support. Over the years I have come to appreciate this idea as a profound one. No matter how great are our family members, we all need to go out and find a variety of mother-figures, father-figures, brother-figures, sister-figures and even son-figures and daughter-figures. Maybe the reason my family is driving me nuts is that they couldn’t possibly fill the expansive role I expect from them. Maybe, for example, even as an adult, the mothering that I need couldn’t possibly be filled by one person. I may need lots of mothers in my life. If I find a variety of moms to fill the needs I have, then maybe I could accept my biological mother for who she is and not resent her for who she is not.

SUGGESTED SCRIPTURE PASSAGES

GENESIS 4:1-16: Cain and Abel

GENESIS 33:1-11: Jacob and Esau reconcile

GENESIS 45:1-15: Joseph forgives his brothers

RUTH 1:1-18: Ruth is loyal to her mother-in-law

SIRACH 3: Honor your father, that his blessing may come upon you

MATTHEW 20:20-28: Mother pleads for James and John

MARK 9:33-37: Disciples: “Who is the greatest?”

LUKE 2:41-52: Finding the boy Jesus in the Temple

LUKE 8:19-21: Who are my brothers and sisters?

LUKE 10:38-42: Martha and Mary

JOHN 13:1-20: Jesus washes his disciples’ feet

EPHESIANS 6:1-4: Children, obey your parents

PRAYER POINTERS

I explore the possibility that I may be taking out pent-up negative emotions on my family. What are those negative emotions? What am I really angry, sad or confused about? I ask God to help me figure out how to deal directly with these problems rather than taking them out on my family.

I prayerfully explore how I might spend more quality time with my family. Or if I cannot spend more time, then how might I better use the time we do have together?

If a family member has been particularly ornery lately, I ask the Lord to help me see things through the eyes of that person. What is going on in her life right now? What battles is she fighting inside of her? How might I help the situation? What things do I do that only exacerbate the problem? What grace (for example, strength, patience, hope, courage) does she need in her life right now? I pray in petition for her to receive the graces she needs.

I prayerfully explore if I might have unrealistic expectations of a particular family member. If I have certain emotional or psychological needs that cannot be met by my spouse, brother, mother, etc., how might I healthily get these needs met elsewhere? What nonbiological family members (for example, friends, coworkers, ministers and so on) might I rely on for help in these areas of need?

I ask the Lord to show me ways I might be more generous toward members of my family, particularly the ones that are driving me crazy right now. Without compromising my integrity, how might I give my spouse the upper hand in the argument?

I prayerfully place before me in my mind each member of my family, asking God to show me his face in each of them.

Angry, Confront, Forgive, Hurt, Judgmental, Marriage, Parenting

WORDS TO TAKE WITH YOU

This house is for the ingathering of nature and human nature. It is a house of friendships, a haven in trouble, an open room for the encouragement of our struggle. It is a house of freedom, guarding the dignity and worth of every person. It offers a platform for the free voice, for declaring, both in times of security and danger, the full and undivided conflict of opinion. It is a house of truth-seeking, where scientists can encourage devotion to their quest, where mystics can abide in a community of searchers. It is a house of art, adorning its celebrations with melodies and handiworks. It is a house of prophecy, outrunning times past and times present in visions of growth and progress….This house is a cradle for our dreams, the workshop of our common endeavor.

-Kenneth L. Patton, “This House”

After the ecstasy, go do the laundry.

-Chinese proverb