As for me, I feel that the last drops of my life are being poured out for God. The time for my departure has arrived. The glorious fight that God gave me I have fought, the course that I was set I have finished, and I have kept the faith. The future for me holds the crown of righteousness which the Lord, the true judge, will give to me in that day. -2 Timothy 4:6-8 (Modern English translation)

As a deacon, only months before my priestly ordination, my Jesuit priest friend and mentor, Father Harry Tompson, passed away. Here are some snippets of my reflections from my last week with him.

…The heavy medication had Harry feeling agitated and unable to sit still. He kept trying to focus on one thing or another, but could not sustain a logical string of thoughts. He began, “Mark you’ve got to fix the…the…” and he lay there moving his index finger backward and forward as though gently trying to jump-start his mind again. Trying to be helpful I said, “The car, Harry?” “Yes,” he said, “…you’ve got to take my car and… [a long pause while Harry shut his eyes tight in concentration]…take the keys that are there in my…in my…” Finally, he gave up, looked at me and repeated something he’d said many times that week, “Don’t die, Mark. It’s no picnic.” Then he turned his head away.

After a minute or two, I said, “Harry, how about you lay back quietly while I read the Breviary aloud to you.” Like a drowning man grasping for rope, his eyes grew wide and he said, “OK.” Then he lay down, closed his eyes and listened as I read the words:

I remember the days that are past:

I ponder all your works.

I muse on what your hand has wrought

And to you I stretch out my hands.

Like a parched land my soul thirsts for you.

While reading the lines, my voice grew more and more shaky. Though I was sick with grief, there was something that felt so right about that moment. I remember thinking to myself, “This is what it’s supposed to be like: the young deacon reciting the words of the Breviary for his dying pastor and mentor. This is the kind of life and death I’ve wanted for myself. It’s what I prayed for as a novice.”

I kept trying to turn off my emotions as I read. I knew that Harry needed me to be strong just then, so I kept choking back the tears and read on:

Lord, make haste and answer;

For my spirit fails within me.

Do not hide your face

Lest I become like those in the grave.

My efforts failed. I had to stop reading because my crying was taking over. I was angry with myself for ruining this important moment for Harry, but then I looked back at him and noticed that he had fallen into a peaceful sleep.

SUGGESTED SCRIPTURE PASSAGES

DEUTERONOMY 34: When Moses dies

1 KINGS 2:1-11: When David dies

2 KINGS 2:1-15: Elijah in the whirlwind

PSALM 23: Though I walk through the shadow of death

ISAIAH 35:1-10: A song of hope

ISAIAH 40:1-11: Every valley shall be lifted up; every hill will be made low

LUKE 11:5-13: Ask and you shall receive; knock and it shall be opened

LUKE 22:39-46: Father, if it is your will, take this cup from me

LUKE 23:26-31: Weeping women

LUKE 23:44-49: The death of Jesus

JOHN 6:22-58: I am the bread of life

JOHN 10:11-18: I am the good shepherd

JOHN 11:1-44: Lazarus’s death

JOHN 14:1-3: In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places

ROMANS 8: Sufferings of the present are nothing compared to glory

2 CORINTHIANS 4:1-5:10: We carry in our bodies the dying of Jesus

COLOSSIANS 1:22-29: In my flesh I fill up what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ

2 TIMOTHY 4:6-8: I have run the good race…my crown awaits

1 PETER 1:3-9: You may have to suffer for a time

PRAYER POINTERS

I may find any sort of meditation, contemplation or prayer that requires concentration and stillness too difficult right now. My situation may be simply too emotionally tumultuous for me to settle myself. In that case, I may find ready-made prayer (for example: the rosary, written prayers from a prayer book, or the Liturgy of the Hours) more helpful. This type of prayer requires little concentration on my part, so if my mind or emotions begin to wander, the prayers themselves will take me back.

If prayer is difficult for the loved ones of the dying, it is often even more so in the experience of the dying persons themselves. Many prayerful people expect to have powerful experiences in prayer near the end of their lives and are disappointed when, because of medication or other factors, they can hardly pray at all. If I feel called to it, I might want to ask my dying friend if she wants to pray together. Very often, even not so religious people long to pray but are too bashful or afraid to ask for help. If she is interested, I could pray simple prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or the Hail Mary. She may be able to pray aloud with me, but even if she can’t, she could mentally follow along. Within myself, I often feel humbled and grateful for the privilege of praying in place of someone unable to do so. If she really enjoys praying together, I may want to establish some sort of ritual, such as praying the rosary with her every night before she sleeps.

Perhaps my most important prayer at this time is simply the prayer of silent presence. That is, the long periods of time I sit quietly by her bedside while she sleeps or rests. In my own experience, I have found this to be a profound experience of prayer. I can sense God’s presence in the room as I lovingly wait by the bedside. Often at these times I am struck with awe at the wonder of God’s gift of life, and I might even have the gift of gratitude for the whole cycle of life, death and resurrection to which we are all called.

Afraid, Angry at You, Change, Grieving, Nighttime, Sad

WORDS TO TAKE WITH YOU

Now that I have found the joy of utilizing all forms of growth to make you, or to let you, grow in me, grant that I may willingly consent to this last phase of communion in the course of which I shall possess you by diminishing in you. When the signs of age begin to mark my body (and still more when they touch my mind); when the ill that is to diminish me or carry me off strikes from without or is born within me; when the painful moment comes in which I suddenly awaken to the fact that I am ill or growing old; and above all at that last moment when I feel I am losing hold of myself and am absolutely passive within the hands of the great unknown forces that have formed me; in all those dark moments, O God, grant that I may understand that it is you (provided only my faith is strong enough) who are painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance and bear me away within yourself.

-“Prayer of a dying man,” Teilhard de Chardin, S.J.

To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying.

-Gordon Allport

Showing up is mostly everything.

-Gregory Boyle, S.J.

Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

-Tagore

Tragic moments are opportunities for heroism.

-Anonymous